Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Feeling the Tag Love


Yup, I've been way too introspective the last day or so, but I had to be to get to the other side of some crap that Hubs laid on me. I'm across now, feeling better, and one thing that helped was Benita awarding me and Antics & Rantics the Rockin Blog / Best Bloggin Buddy and the Your Blog is Fabulous awards. So thank you much, girlfriend.


If you read either of my blogs, you know I've done the tag already, but luckily I have many addictions! LOL Here are 5 more (I previously listed cigarettes, straightening iron, coffee, diet cokes and internet shopping):

1. my computer
2. fox news
3. mad men on amc
4. keeping up with the kardashians on e!
5. movies on tv (turner, amc, tbs, comedy channel)

I want to pass along both of these awards to anyone reading who wants them! :-)))

XXXXX

Yesterday, Hubs came home from work and, unbeknownst to me he was laying in wait for a dog to kick. I've been sort of homebound without a car for about a week now. I have Missy's car in the driveway, but as of Feb. 1, it needs to be inspected and I will not drive it unless it's an emergency that a cop would consider worth the risk of driving it, because my luck with these sort of things is erratic.

I do not want a ticket right now. Plus, there's not a heckuva lot of reasons for me to drive anywhere. I am still recovering way too slowly from my coughy-coldy-allergies (whatever the heck it is that I have) and it's all I can do most days to take care of the kitchen dishes, pay the bills, take care of ReggieDog and keep things picked up around the house.

All I did was bring up what should we do about getting Missy's car fixed or giving it as is to my brother as his oldest turns 16 next month. Well, if any of you have been married a long time to a moody guy, you will understand. Everything he said was derisive and with contempt. He first tried to paint me as paranoid for not driving the car. Then, he imploded into a little tantrum about how he did everything around here, and proceeded to list it all out.

After about a minute of not being able to get a word in edgewise to defend myself and then deciding that was futile, I left out the back door and went to smoke a cigarette in the garage. He followed me, still going a mile a minute on his tirade. I can remember being very aware that if any neighbors were outside, they were hearing him.

I finally put my hands over my ears and this stopped him. He went back in the house and went on to bed, thankfully. Of course, I was left to deal with my shattered self-esteem. It sucks to be told you are a worthless human being by your so-called soulmate, ya know?

But here is where I learned something about myself. At first, I thought through all the things I did do every day, as if preparing a mental rebuttal. But then, a strange calm came over me and I really felt this thought: this is not about me and isn't even worth defending. I began to think of him and all the pressure and stress he is under, working 6 sometimes 7 days a week, helping to run a special project that a lot of money is being spent on. I remembered that he was beginning to be really bothered by his allergies again (he'd basically been through in early January what I've been through with the nasal drip and coughing, and he's getting it again!).

Now, my previous reaction to this behavior (he does it approximately once or twice a year for some reason, like he just has to) was to call a girlfriend or my dad and wail about how unfair Hubs was being, or work myself up into a mass of chaotic hurt and get all depressed. Those kinds of reactions...like I was fighting it or fighting against it.

Now, I felt like I was hovering above it, figuring out the best place to land safely and out of the way. Forgiving him for he knows not how what he does when he does it. And, it's strange, but I think that the combination of growing in my art and growing in my struggle to adjust to my health issues, that combination has helped -- I have matured in these respects.

I could tell myself all day long the words, but this time I lived them. That love is sometimes taking some pain from your loved one if they need to give it to you, and seeing it as venting, not as permanent behavior. Sometimes people have to, need to act like toddlers. It's not like they act that way all the time.

Long story short, Hubs came home today and asked me if I was still mad at him, which was his way of saying that I should be mad. And I was proud of myself, I told him no, that I forgave him because I knew he didn't feel well and was under a lot of stress. You should have seen the look on his face. Relief, appreciation, regret, guilt. All there. He apologized and things went back to regular.

I think I shocked the shite outta him, actually. That should keep him guessing. Such is Love and Life with Mr. Moody. {winkwink}

4 comments:

Benita said...

{{{Aimeslee}}} Sometimes men can be so hard to understand, yet they claim they can't understand us! LOL I'm glad that you were able to do the positive thing, as hard as I know it was! I feel like you & I are so much alike!

Glad you like the awards....it's great getting to know your addictions :)

Ryzmomplus2 said...

Okay I've never watched Mad men... should I?
And that's so true about the not trying defend yourself when its really not about you that they are upset...

littlescrapsofmagic said...

This is the second time this week that I've run across this idea on a blog...that it's not really about me when someone goes off...me thinks the universe is sending me a message! Excellent post...and what a wise woman you are!

Lynn said...

Congrats on your well deserved Awards! You sure do rock.

I recently read a book "What I learned from Shamu". It was very insightful and interesting. It pretty much states we are the trainers. If we cave into the so called "bad" behavor they will see it as a sign that it's something good. If you ignore it they will stop.
It sure is a life lesson. I'm so happy that you were able to rise above and do something good for you.