Yup, two entries in one day. I'm back, and Sheila passed so peacefully. This'll be the last time I blather about her and it, but I needed to get it out.
So much emotion running through me, but not on the surface, more like it's an underground stream. On the surface is a little numbness, but I'm good. There's a heavy sadness is all. But I was so afraid of feeling regret, guilt, doubt, and I do not, not at all. I'm letting myself just be right now. And part of that is wanting to talk to my cyber-friends.
Ok, funny thing. You see, this French website, Crescenet or something like that had posted 2 comments the other day on my blog. They've commented before, but I seriously have no clue who they are. I remember clicking on the link in that first comment and my computer froze up, so I wanted to delete the comments they left the other day and not have another freeze-up happen.
I go to my blog settings and enable comment moderation so I can then go in and delete them, which I did. But, I forgot to disable it back (I now realize). <---- Emphasis on "now", as opposed to then.
Life went on and I posted twice. Fast forward to this morning. It begins to worry me a bit that I have zero comments on my last 2 posts. I'm like, what did I do? Does my cyber-breath stink or something? (I seriously was thinking that, LOL) But, because of my more pressing stress, I told myself, I'd go visit every one's blogs when I got back and things would all even out in the wash and nothing is wrong.
So, I shower and dress, get a fresh towel from the dog cabinet, grab my purse and keys. It's time to take Sheila. Walk out to the back porch and there she is, laying on the grass in the sun, doing what she's loved so much to do all her life. Had to go back inside and grab the camera, take one last shot. She looked so peaceful there.
So, anyway, I wrapped her up in the towel and off we went. She reminded me again on the drive there, she's not the same dog. Did not even try to set her front paws up on the driver's side door and spend the time looking out the window, like she did her whole life. Cuz she can't see anymore. That was strange.
When we got there, I stayed in the car for a few minutes and talked to her. I told what was fixing to happen and how much I loved her and didn't want her to suffer anymore. That Missy and Hubs loved her. That we all thanked her for being our first family pet and such a good dog. And how we'd remember her and wanted her to have a wonderful time in Doggie Heaven. I kissed her and we went in.
The staff was top-notch, we were both perfectly treated. I had to sign one form and then the vet and Janie, the nurse, took us to a little room. I laid Sheila in her towel on the table and they gave her a quick check-up. Both of them noted how she'd aged in the few months since they'd seen her last. When they finished the check-up, they both reassured me that she was so close to passing naturally and that strong-minded dogs such as doxies often lingered on through a painful end life with suffering. I am sooo thankful to hear that. I really needed to hear that. And my vet does not euthanize as a rule, so I appreciate that she trusted us in this decision. She and Janie were Sheila's vet all her life, and they told her goodbye, too.
It was over quickly. Janie held her snout while the vet gave her the shot so she wouldn't bite at us, and I stroked her between the eyes on her forehead like I've always done. And, she just went to sleep. I kept on talking to her and, after what seemed like forever but was only about 30 seconds, I asked the vet how much longer. She told me she'd gone almost instantly, another sign that was normal for her advanced age. Her little tongue was kind of hanging loose at her lips, but otherwise she just looked and felt like she was napping. It was just so peaceful and nice.
I hugged both women and thanked them for making it so nice for us both, then left. As I was pulling out onto the road to go home, my cell rang and it was Missy. Missy, who did not know we were doing this today. The last couple of times she's been home, we've talked about it, and she'd made it clear she did not want to be here or know about it ahead of time. So, now I was unsure, do I tell her what just happened or wait?
I decided to tell her. I reminded her she'd said repeatedly she wanted it done this way. She cried a little, then asked me to tell her how it went, and I did. I think Missy was feeling okay about it when we hung up. She'll be sad, but she said she was going to pray for her and that will give her some comfort. The only bad thing about this plan, we both agreed, was not being together to give each other a hug.
I'm left with the belief that Missy calling was such a blessing and such a sign, like Sheila's passed and she is fine. I might be full of it but I don't care. It was one of those miracle-like timing thingies I just cannot deny. I was given what my soul needed.
Hubs is still not wanting to talk about it, just choking out it was for the best. But I did insist on telling him how painlessly and peacefully she went.
So, anyway, back to my "funny thing" part of the story. My IRL girlfriend Vanny had wanted to take me to lunch or a coffee or something afterwards, but I'd called her and begged off. Just wanted to be at home. Sat down to visit blogs and felt the strong urge to blog another post first. I go to do that and Blogger makes me look at a screen that says I have 17 comments to moderate. I'm like, what? Remember, I still do not realize that I forgot to disable comment moderation back.
So, what a blessing to see all of your sweet comments! Again, another sign, another one of those miracle-like timing thingies I just cannot deny. I was given what my soul needed.
So, I probably wanted to say a few more things, but this is the important parts. I've become motivated to hold a little Sheila Memorial Creativity Weekend Retreat for myself. I've had a creative block of some sort for a while and now it's fading. This has weighed on me directly for awhile, I knew that, especially more and more as it's become apparent that I was going to have to be the lone one to go through with it. I'm just now realizing how indirectly it's been weighing on me, too. So, Lord help me, I mean this in the best way, but it's a weight lifted or lifting. I'm so thankful today. And I love you all for being here for me.