Monday, December 22, 2008

i just can't quit you


yep, guess who. me. it's like i just dropped outacybersight (and outamind, probly, by some of you, but i deserve it for being so neglectful). i most assuredly was present and visible in the *real* world, though. i just got caught up with life and a few bouts of painful days. more than a few, ok. and really caught up with my life.

ok, so what have i been doing?

i do know that some annoyingly large blocks of time were spent pondering current questions of life, such as:

do relatives ever have a decent function besides being pains in the arsses?

now that my christmas tree is up, do i have to decorate it or can i just enjoy it with lights only?

does anyone alive seriously believe that there is someone in charge in d.c. actually knows how to solve this financial crisis (because the #1 reply to my question "so how about this financial crisis?" is "nobody has a clue how to solve it")?

am i in denial if i just cannot believe this crisis will still be wreaking havoc in may 2010 when missy graduates college?

if it appears by all rational logic that a loved one is dying of cancer, yet no one talks about it or says anything, what is the proper way to think? i mean, do you ignore the obvious, or do you ignore the insane denial of it? I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. SERIOUSLY.

and on and on it goes. that's just a sampler. seriously, the first question was the one most of my energy was spent on. i better not go into detail, but suffice it to say that i know this family that is going through some tough times right now and they do not know how to lean on each other openly, so that makes family dinners hard. some families just behave secretly. it sure does make it uncomfortable for the ones who are not privy to pertinent details. you wanna feel for those who are suffering, but hell, if they won't even admit to suffering, after awhile ya think, why even care?

the holiday family gatherings are merry and bright for many, but also very difficult and stressful for many others. i feel for those of you caught in the family crossfire. it really sucks. but about the only thing to do is to just repeat over and over to yourself that it is not you causing the problem and it's not you who is responsible for any of it. just brace yourself, get through the hours or the day, and then get over to the other side of the thing and then smile.

yeah. ok. so, you get the drift. really tough to do, but necessary, especially if the problems are being caused by different stresses. i've been trying to handle my anger at being manipulated by one or more people in my own family. and since i will never really get to handle it right, i'm trying to figure out how to let it go without resolution. i go days thinking it is gone, then, bam, it hits my face again. the only great thing is that missy has figured it all out and totally sees it the same way as me. thank god. at least i am not alone with it. i'm so glad i got raising her right. as she grows into adulthood, our close relationship just keeps getting better and better.

speaking of missy, she is now the proud renter of a 2-bedroom apartment. she and her work bud matt are roomies. (don't worry, matt's gay, not that there's anything wrong with that...hehe, seinfeld, get it?). i'm really excited for them, because they are excited. it is the first apartment for both of them. we gave them practically all of our living room furniture and that room is now decorated with 5 stiff modern chairs until we decide what we want to replace things with.

she had friends show up with 3 trucks and they whisked it all away, last weekend. that has been an adjustment for me, because i miss having a couch. i was glad to lose that couch because i want a new one, but i tend to miss it more now than i normally would because there's nothing yet to take its place.

a lot of times, i can only sleep a few hours on my bed and i have usually gone to the couch and slept sitting up until i can get pain-free enough to go back to my bed. this past week i've not had that and my back or whatever body part is hurting has been letting me know it's not happy. sometimes it is a pressure point with my fibromyalgia, and the ability to move my position is crucial to mitigating pain.

so i need to decide on something soon. hubs gave missy his old recliner so he was forced to finally get him a new one, and it's very comfortable. i may just go get myself one tomorrow and that'll take the pressure off needing a couch. i wanted to try several and take my time on it, because i'm considering a nice leather couch this time.

well, enough for awhile. it's a very brrr-y 29 degrees here right now with light rain, and my hands are crampy and achy. time to quit keyboarding and go lay down under an electric blanket for a bit...